Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
