i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Randomize
