come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
