3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
This is my gift to your gina
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
