Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize