Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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