Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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