It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
