Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
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