I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
