I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
