"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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