i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
