I cockslap morals
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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