They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
tell me about the fingering
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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