So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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