i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
there is glitter all over my balls
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
