i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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