i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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