you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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