he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
