): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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