She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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