i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
