Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
