Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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