that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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