we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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