god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
