i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Randomize
