I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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