He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
