You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Randomize
