I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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