Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
It's rum buckets o'clock
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
