Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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