Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
