is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
