dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
