I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
