I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
