i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
