I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
