Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
