his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
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