Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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