Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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