they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
