I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
