you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
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