Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
