I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize