All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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