Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
