my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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