Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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