And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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