I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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